My sister asked me the other day why I never write anything personal on this blog and why it's all commentary on current events and opinion-y and whatnot.

Well the obvious answer is that I don't like sharing my deepest, most intimate thoughts and feelings with every Joe Schmoe with an internet connection.

I also don't think anybody really cares about how my day is going or how much I abhor plodding Tucson drivers.

Also, pouring my heart out isn't what potential clients are looking for.

But since I'm feeling a little morose and am having one of my many over-analytical self-pity-fests, I figured I'd indulge my sister in a little introverted blogging. This is for you, Deb:

Either by coincidence, boredom or necessity, I've spent the better part of the evening taking stock of my life. Truth be told, I've been doing so for the better part of the last week and a half. Birthdays seem like natural times to do this sort of thing, so off I went. And I'm still going.

I moved to Tucson a little more than three years ago in a self-deluded haze. That haze quickly dissipated and I was left in a town that felt foreign, harsh, ugly and uncomfortable. And yet, though I've never felt as though I fit in here, I think I've "done" Tucson pretty well in a very short amount of time. Hell, I won a frickin' award this summer for being a "community and business leader" when I'd only lived in the community for fewer than three years!

And that's the start of this, my most recent existential dilemma. Actually, the start came a few days before my birthday when my brother made the very generous offer of a place to stay as I got on my feet if I wanted to move to Oregon. I don't speak with either of my siblings very frequently, mostly because I lack follow-through in that area, which made his offer all the more extraordinarily generous. Of course, he also knows he'd get free child care out of the deal, but I'm trying not to be too cynical. He's a good guy and I appreciate the offer and I'd genuinely consider it.

Part of the problem with that offer is that I don't think the Pacific Northwest is anymore "me" than the Desert Southwest. Well, maybe a little bit more. I like Portland well enough, but I don't think it's a place I could call home. The other problem with that plan is that I'm a terrible roommate. It would be even worse with me dealing with kids (who are adorable but waaaaaay high energy) and dogs and adding my cat to the family mix. I won't abandon Leif simply because I want to get the hell out of Dodge.

I've been talking about moving back to the east coast virtually since I moved away from it. The pace and the aesthetic and the attitude are much more my speed, style and demeanor, respectively. I have friends in Philadelphia, Boston, New York City, DC and Ithaca, so I would at least have support networks in any of those places, and very likely temporary housing on top of that if I needed it.

To complicate matters further, at least in my dramatic little mind, my best friend Jason - the one I followed to Tucson in that self-deluded haze - and his family are now reconsidering their move to the east coast to center on the NYC area. Which is exactly where most of my moving daydreams have also centered on.

The haze has long since vanished (we're both grateful for that!), but I'm left with the nagging feeling that I can't keep following him around the country for the rest of my life. Even with the haze gone and me making another cross-country move with both eyes open, it still feels kind of pathetic that I make such a big fuss about being independent but can't make a major decision independently.

The other factor in all this is, as it always has been, money. Jason told me tonight that they're thinking of trying to make the move when their current lease expires in October-ish. There's no way on earth that I'd be able to afford to move that soon, even with cashing out my PTO. There's also the little matter of my lease expiring at the end of March.

As much as I've not been thrilled with Tucson, it's always been a badge of pride for me that I just made the decision four years ago to pick up my entire life and move to a state I'd never seen before. That's the kind of thing you do in your early-mid twenties, but not necessarily so easyily in your mid-late twenties. Or maybe I'm just adding that bit of neurosis for dramatic effect.

The point is, I don't really love Tucson but I don't know if I could handle another cross-country move into uncertainty - either emotionally or financially. Tucson is small, which makes it manageable.

And the longer I wait to make these major changes, the more difficult they become. This is the part where I begrudgingly admit that it's easier to make these drastic changes as part of a team. But I have no team, at least none that I wouldn't feel pathetic joining. That and I'm not much of a team player. Either I get to be team captain or I take my ball and go home.

Maybe I'm just being silly, but as I have always said, I can't control how I feel. I can control how those feelings are realized, but not the feelings themselves.

The final layer of course is my parents. They moved to Chandler from New Jersey about a year after I moved to Tucson so they could be closer to their kids and grandkids. My moving back to the east coast would probably upset them. Contrary to popular expectations, I do sort of like having them relatively close by. It's a complicated relationship, that. The only word that can capture this layer is "oy" and I'll leave it at that.

So that's where I am in the grand scheme of stock-taking ("better stop and take stock while you're standing here stuck on the steps of the palace!"). I guess the word for how I'm feeling right now is trapped.

Trapped, but safe.

I want to leave, but I've become so averse to taking risks. How many times can I start over? How many deferments will the government give me on those student loans? How boring have I become that I risk so little?

So I guess I'll just toss and turn for another night as I try to sort it all out, try to decide what I want to do when I grow up. At the end of the day, perhaps all I really need to do is just...grow up.