I'm feeling rather grumpy and have a general sense of malaise.

Look, Deb, another angsty non-political post! And this one is riddled with profanity!

V-Day was incredible. The cast, the crew, the vaginas! If you missed it, you're not alone. The Fox Tucson Theatre box office ended up turning away about 500 hopeful vagina lovers on Saturday night. It was an honor and a privilege to work on the production.

I was especially honored by the first-ever Vagina Spirit Award given me during the intermission ceremony for my work to end violence against women and girls. I deeply and humbly appreciate it. Though none of us who do this work do it to win awards, it certainly feels good to be recognized.

So I think part of my grumpiness has to do with the "now what?" feeling that naturally accompanies the close of any show. Let me state emphatically that this does NOT mean that I plan to participate next year.

I'm exhausted and thrilled to have some piece of my life back. I won't even consider V-Day Tucson 2007 for months. I'm a little appalled that anyone is thinking seriously about it so soon after the raging success of 2006. No really, give me a little fucking time to breathe, OK?

Quite frankly, I don't see how anyone could top the buzz from this year's show. Being the first live theatre production in the Fox in 50+ years is just something that isn't easily topped. I was right about ticket prices and ticket sales; trust me on this one.

Maybe I just used up all my serotonin from the natural high of an incredible success and have to wait for my body to replenish it. I'm no scientist, so that theory makes perfect sense to me.

In the meantime, I'm feeling this sense, which strikes fairly often, that I'm not making the most out of my life, that there are other things I should be doing, that I'm too good for where I am and since I'm not somewhere else, I'm a failure.

That's the best way I can describe this angsty bullshit right now. My outlook just seems so small and narrow. I'm quickly moving on to the next major project - the Women's Commission 30th Anniversary Luncheon - but it's just not fulfilling. Then it's on to presenting at a couple of conferences at the end of March, but it all still feels pretty meaningless. My god, I'm fucking Pippin. Corner of the sky, indeed.

Like I have at so many other points in my life, I just feel stuck right now. Held back by the realities of finances and the timidity of purpose. I feel a big change is needed, that it's coming and it's unavoidable, but that I just don't yet know what it is. Great, now I'm Merrily Rolling Along...

I'm only 28. I shouldn't have this feeling that I've had as many missed opportunities as I've had. I've accomplished a lot. I'm well respected. I have a decent job that compensates me appropriately. Sure I wasted a lot of my younger-youth being an overachiever and ambitious at the expense of actually living a life worth living, but it paid off in a lot of ways. I know all that. It's neither arrogance nor self-pity to acknowledge it.

So why do I feel as though something is missing, that I haven't completed what I'm supposed to complete? Why don't I even know what that is?

I agreed to speak at the Rally for Love and Justice this Sunday and I so don't want to do it. I abhor the thought of assimilating, especially when it comes to relationships and marriage in particular.

I like that it's 11:30 PM right now and I don't have to worry about keeping somebody up, that I can spread out across the whole bed, that I don't have to go into another room so I don't disturb anyone else. I like that I can set the temperature in here. I like that the only argument I get in at home is when the cat decides it's time to play a rousing game of "attack the feet" as I'm trying to walk from point A to point B. I always win those arguments.

I'm going to be really pissed off and disappointed with myself if this angst just turns out to be loneliness. I think being lonely is just a reflection of poor character (thinking you need to look to others to find fulfillment rather than finding it in oneself). To me it is rather dull and pathetic.

I'm generally quite happy with my own company, charming recanteur that I am. The world would be a far better place if more people just learned to appreciate the beauty of solitude. I honestly don't understand what's not to like about not having to deal with other people's bullshit. And really, it's all just bullshit.

I think part of this might have to do with my putting myself out there emotionally recently and the fact that my having done so just hasn't been acknowledged at all. I was being honest and quite complimentary, so I figured the least I would receive was some kind of acknowledgement that my sentiments were received.

This is yet another reason why I see no reason to open myself up to anyone. Besides, I don't like to listen to other people's angsty bullshit, so why put myself in a position where someone else would have to listen to mine (the blogosphere notwithstanding, because who reads this anyway?)? And seriously, why are you still reading this nonsense?

Sometimes a bout of written or verbal diarrhea like this is just what the doctor ordered to help me sleep through the night. I'm hoping this has done the trick.

I'm Being Alive quite fine...no Company for me, thanks.