I am beside myself.

My best friend just dropped a major bombshell on me tonight and I am pretty much devastated. He and his partner have decided to move back east at the end of October. I can't say I'm particularly surprised with the decision itself, just by the timing. And they really are my sole major support system in Tucson, my chosen family, so I have a ton of anxiety about what will happen to me after they leave.

Their reasons are valid and I want to come to a place where I can support their decision, but I also need to be a little selfish right now and worry about how I will survive alone in a city and state I don't particularly care much for, with very little in the way of reliable friends besides them. I never have particularly cared for Tucson, and now it's looking less likely that I ever will.

This is far more complicated than I care to discuss here and now (but watch me anyway!). The thing is, I've sort of already been down this road before with him, which is partially what led me to move to Tucson in the first place. I spent a good portion of tonight curled up in a ball, rocking back and forth, and repeating, "I can't do this again."

It was a rough time four and a half years ago. The dynamics are slightly different this time around, but the emotional powderkeg is no less explosive. I'm as much concerned about what will happen to me due to external forces after they leave as what I may do to myself. Well. That was unexpectedly candid. Fear not, I have no plan nor any major intent to do anything rash. I suppose that can be my silver lining for now.

My parents were unbelievably supportive when I talked to them about it tonight. I mean, totally unexpectedly unconditionally supportive of me leaving Arizona if that's what I feel I need to do. I honestly don't know what I need to do or what's best for me. There are plenty of compelling reasons either way. I certainly can't spend the rest of my life following my best friend around the country, but I also have a very real fear that if I don't stick close, we will cease to be best friends, we'll drift further and further apart and will eventually lose touch. He assures me that will never happen, but I see it happen all the time.

We've both invested a lot of emotional energy in this friendship. I mean, several metric tons-worth. And now it kind of feels like that was all kind of pointless. Again, they have very valid reasons for moving now, and they will both be much happier not in Tucson, but it hurts deeply that I'm not part of this healing process. Trying real hard not to make this all about me, but damnit, this affects my life too. I'm allowed to feel shitty about it.

I know he checks in on this space periodically (because he says he feels "obligated"), and I tried tonight when we talked to let him know that I believe he needs to do what he feels he needs to do to find happiness and heal from some very difficult juju that's happened recently. Still, I can't help but feel that they're pursuing their own happiness and mental health at the expense of mine. I know that's not the intent, but that's definitely the effect.

I know it's not all about me, but I am impacted by this decision. And just as bad, every interaction we have from now until the end of October (which will be fewer and far between becauee they are now both working second jobs with lots of hours to help pay for their move) will be colored by this haze of impending doom that I feel. I can try and hide it and make pretend that everything is just fine, but why lie? I'm in pain and angry and scared and nauseous. What is gained by suppressing these real emotions?

So I need to figure out what to do. I was having such a good day, too. This is why I try to never let myself get too comfortable or happy...there's always something waiting at the end of the day to burst my bubble: funding runs out, relationships end, loved ones leave. I understand transition, but I've never been good with it. I seem to wish that everything stay perfectly preserved, just as it is now, in a hermetically sealed snow globe on a shelf somewhere.

These are going to be a rocky few months. The months thereafter will be even rockier. This could very well be my last post for a while. Or ever. I guess, dear reader, we're about to find out just how resilient I can be.