I've been getting some good moral support from those around me at work, which has been helpful. I think it was a good decision to go into work today. That's one of the advantages of working with a bunch of crisis advocates who actually care about what they do and about me (unlike the advocates I worked with the last time I went through this...those heartless bitches).

Though I still feel a tremendous amount of grief, I'm transitioning to anger right now. My best friend and I had a conversation not two weeks ago where he told me that he always envisioned this kind of move as a group effort and that it would be great if we were all ready to move at the same time. That's why I felt so blindsided by this sudden announcement. I wasn't even part of the process. I was an afterthought. Of course they have absolutely no obligation to include me in their plans and I have no right to expect them to ask for my approval. But I thought I was part of a team and now it's clear I'm not.

This feels like I'm on the receiving end of something that was done to them about three months ago: someone they had invested a lot of time and emotional energy in up and deciding on her own to just leave. It's the domino effect and I'm the last tile in the series.

I've kind of been hoping I guess that somebody would look me square in the eye and tell me it's foolish to keep following my best friend around the country when it's especially clear I'm second-class in his life. But so far everyone has acknoledged that while it would be problematic, I'm clearly not happy in Tucson and never have been and perhaps this is the stimulus I need to move on somewhere else.

Perhaps. My dad asked me last night if I had an opportunity on the east coast and they were staying here and not moving, would I move back east? My answer was a resounding yes. Dad said that's all he needed to hear. I guess it really is all in how you frame it. I'm still not convinced, and I'm the one who has to still respect myself at the end of the day.

So I still don't know what I'm going to do. Even if I did try to move at the same time as them, the way they reached their decision has kind of tainted me and I've actually been considering just shutting off all contact because these next few months may just prove too painful otherwise.

OT-This is odd to be journaling about something so personal in such a public space. A first for me and not sure how I feel about it. I feel that most of what I've journaled in the past has been not fit for public consumption and comes off as whiny and obtuse. I hope that's less the case with these posts.