The intense anger I was feeling yesterday is starting to subside. I'm still pissed off, not by the decision itself, but by the way the decision was made. I'm also pissed about why the decision was made, which I've already briefly covered in a previous post with the domino theory of hurting those you care about: if someone hurt me, I wouldn't turn around a few months later and hurt someone else I care about in a very similar way.

I'm grieving now in large part because I don't think there's any easy way out of this. There's nothing that can be done to make this right. They can't change their minds at this point (the decision is probably best for them, even though I think it's at the wrong time for the wrong reasons). No apology can cover the pain I've been caused. I can't move back to the town I left because the employment picture there is bleak and I've outgrown it. So I'm stuck in Tucson for the time being, soon to be without my support network, and that support network isn't so much anymore.

This was a messy situation from the start, and one that could have been avoided with more deliberate and strategic planning. But impulse and self-preservation won out. Before moving here, my best friend used to freely spread the quote, "self-preservation is a full time occupation." He had outgrown that for a while, but I guess trauma has a way of making people regress.

This whole situation just sucks and I grieve the fact that if I can't trust my chosen family, who can I trust? And what does it say about my own judgement? I suppose I should be saying this all to my best friend directly, but I'm afraid I might say something we'd both regret if we talked right now. Actions have consequences, and I'm sad that the consequences of his actions feel very much like they are careening toward the end of our friendship. God that hurts. I don't know what to do or how to make this right or even if it's my responsibility to try. I'm not the one who's bailing.