Not surprisingly, I've been having some trouble getting to sleep and staying asleep. Anxiety has that effect on me.

I'm back to being pretty depressed. At least when I was angry, it was easier to function. Now I just don't want to get out of bed. If I just stay in bed, I won't be reminded and triggered by random shit. Of course, since I'm having problems sleeping, maybe staying in bed isn't as much of a protective factor as I'd like it to be.

I do need to get up though; I'm having lunch with my ex-boss at her home today. I'll be interested to hear her take on this situation and her advice to me. She's having me over to talk about a couple of local elections, but I have my own agenda.

I'm definitely having a hard time seeing how I'd ever be able to trust anyone again. If my closest friend would abandon me so easily, what guarantee do I have that this won't continue to happen with others? A cognitive distortion perhaps, but from where I sit, this is a recurring theme with the people in my life. In which case, what's wrong with me? I guess this is the guilt/self-blame stage of grief.

And the fact that they haven't made any attempt to contact me since Wednesday indicates to me that they're OK with cutting me out of their lives entirely. Even if I'm not ready to talk, the fact that they haven't tried to reach out really hurts more. I mean, there's no way to make the whole situation right at this point, but I still hope it can be made better. Ugh. This is what's been keeping me up at night.

I think if I keep this angsty bullshit up much longer people will just start ignoring me altogether. Maybe that would be for the best. Then I could just quietly disappear...