Today is the day, Dine Out For Safety 2006.

Go to the website, see the list of participating restaurants, then go to one of them and eat, drink and be merry. A portion of your bill - up to 20% - will be donated to the Center Against Sexual Assault.

It helps pay my salary, people. And without me being employed there, you wouldn't get treated to the occassional long, rambling posts about how disrespected I often feel there.

Seriously though, all the profits do actually go directly to programs that serve and support survivors of rape and other forms of sexual violence. It's a really good cause. And you have to eat anyway, right? Mangia.

Today is the day, Dine Out For Safety 2006.

Go to the website, see the list of participating restaurants, then go to one of them and eat, drink and be merry. A portion of your bill - up to 20% - will be donated to the Center Against Sexual Assault.

It helps pay my salary, people. And without me being employed there, you wouldn't get treated to the occassional long, rambling posts about how disrespected I often feel there.

Seriously though, all the profits do actually go directly to programs that serve and support survivors of rape and other forms of sexual violence. It's a really good cause. And you have to eat anyway, right? Mangia.

I was in Phoenix today and stopped by my parents' for dinner on the way home. They had already made plans to have some friends over, so it was the five of us for dinner.

The friends turned out to be a couple of women. My gaydar hasn't been up to par for years, but I think it's safe to say they're sisters of Sappho. My dad even mentioned something to me before they arrived in his own ever-so-subtle way.

The comic gold came when my parents unwittingly said some things that to the outside observer who could appreciate the irony of their comments, i.e. me, was just standing there trying to contain my giggles.

The first comment came during a conversation of plants in yards and the recent high winds we've had throughout the state. My mom, bless her heart, asked the ladies if they needed any wood stakes. I think they both got the irony too, because they smiled when they told her no thanks.

After dinner, my parents and this couple got into a conversation about kitchen cabinets, which turned into - I kid you not - a tour of all the cabinet knobs in the house. At one point my dad remarked, "it's a knob exposition!"

I had to walk back into the living room so nobody would see the expression on my face.

Today I had a totally vindicating and validating experience. In a nutshell, the unprofessional idiot who loudly berated me last week for being "irresponsible", the person who is responsible herself for billing funders and simple accounting, screwed up on the billings. Instead of having $1,300 to spend, I now have to come up with a plan to spend $2,100 toot sweet because the funder has the higher balance, which doesn't match with the lower balance that the unprofessional idiot submitted in her last billing. I'm feeling pretty good about myself right now. I was right and she was wrong all the time. Neener neener neener. Of course, she still won't apologize to me.

I'm tired. Just in general. It's burnout. But I don't know how to stop.

I do have to say that despite the first quarter fundraising numbers, I'm still most impressed with Jeff Latas' campaign for CD8. I don't know if any of the other candidates are walking precincts yet or planning any media buys, but the Latas campaign has done both, despite a decided cash disadvantage. It's clear that his campaign has a strong grassroots base already developing. As I've said before, I like Gabby Giffords, the presumptive favorite, but her supporters are really turning me off with their arrogance and "mother knows best" attitudes. She'd be a great Congresswoman, but I really don't relish rewarding the obnoxious behavior (largely unrelated to her campaign) of her supporters. Most of them are the so-called "movers and shakers" in Tucson and I really am coming to hate their elitism. Even in a Democratic tidal wave year, I'm still not convinced she can carry this district in the general. Never underestimate the xenophobic, homophobic Republican base, in a Republican district, even when those Republicans are mostly "moderates". There's enough time for an immigration protest backlash to develop for Randy Graf to take advantage of. I'd really like to see some partisan and general polling in this district. I still believe - strongly - that Latas has a credible shot in the general if he makes it past the primary.

I'm going to take caa's advice and start making plans for when my current lease expires. I'm due for a change. A rewarding change. I'm a little curious to find out who the next President/CEO will be and if it turns out to be someone with whom I can work. But I also don't want to fall into the same old trap of trusting the newest leader because I foolishly think she will make the changes I know need to be made.

If you're in Tucson, please make plans next Wednesday evening, April 26, to eat at one of the locally-owned restaurants participating in Dine Out for Safety 2006. Up to 20% of your bill will be donated back to the Southern Arizona Center Against Sexual Assault, at no additional cost to you! And 100% of that money goes directly to providing prevention and treatment services in Tucson (not overhead), thanks to the generous underwriting support of a number of community sponsors. I'll be at Pastiche, so feel free to join me there and introduce yourself, or go to any of the other restaurants, eat, drink and be merry and buy lots of raffle tickets! The grand prize is dinner for two at each of the 36 restaurants - you could eat out three times a month for a year! The other really sweet prize that I'd like to win is roundtrip airfare anywhere in the U.S., including Hawaii and Alaska! Remember, visit www.dineoutforsafety.com for all the details.

I just used far more exclamation points than were warranted in that last paragraph. I think it's time for me to finish here and wind my night down.

And thanks for all your support.

This has been a pretty hellish week. It started off with the haze of not getting what I wanted because I stuck to my guns. Let's face it, I've never been one to compromise.

Then I had a co-worker scream at me from my office door because she did something she shouldn't have and I called her on it. Yes, she screamed at me within earshot of clients - you know, rape survivors who come to my office for a supportive and safe environment. Yeah, she's that sensitive and professional.

The kicker was that I had to later apologize to the unprofessional idiot because I needed budget information from her and she's handling all that. And she never apologized to me for screaming at me, inappropriately and unnecessarily in front of clients. And she was supported by the interim CEO, who is obnoxious, rude, mean-spirited, two-faced and rather passive-aggressive. She apparently laughed at my getting screamed at. I may be posting unflattering things about her on my blog, but then again I'm not the one creating a hostile work environment. A competent leader would have told the unprofessional idiot that her behavior was inappopriate and, no matter how justified she felt she was, that kind of carrying on would not be tolerated in a work environment. Then she should have told us that we both made errors and that we both needed to work together and the only way we could do that effectively would be to admit our errors, apologize and move on. But our interim CEO is clearly not a competent leader. She's apparently taking her cues from the Mean Girls Management Guide.

It's also just been a hellishly busy week with two major events, grant deadlines and a major fundraiser at the end of the month. Anyone want to buy a raffle ticket from me?

All this is contributing to my desire to make good on my vow to leave Tucson at my earliest convenience. The professional opportunities clearly aren't here for me. And if the interim CEO is what passes for "professional" around these parts, I'm not so sure I'd want that kind of opportunity.

When I found out I didn't get the statewide job, I was also told that I should keep applying for those kinds of positions because I clearly had the energy and the vision to be a chief executive. Why would I stay in a place where that talent and drive are neither recognized nor appreciated?

Money of course has long been a major factor in whether or not I could move out of Tucson. If I hadn't just signed another 12 month lease, and if I quit my job today, I'd have enough money from my accumulated PTO cashout to move back across country and survive until I found another job. Depending on where I moved, that probably wouldn't take very long at all. This is a markedly more hopeful outlook than I've had virtually since I moved to this desolate, barren place. I used to feel trapped, but now I can see there is a way out without having to win the PowerBall.

This silver lining-finding is really starting to freak me out. I don't like it. Not one bit.

I guess I'm in a weird place right now. I'm respected and appreciated everywhere except work (and there are many exceptions there, too). And most of the respect and appreciation that I receive - if not all of it - is for what I do at work. So why do I remain the punching bag and laughing stock for most of the ones in control?

Would my leaving Tucson constitute running away (again)? And even if it did, is that so wrong? I deserve to be treated well. If I don't believe I can be treated well and adequately compensated here, why bother sticking around? I've seen this movie. I know how it ends.

It's been almost four years since I made any major life changes. That's a Bachelor's Degree worth of time. Maybe it is time I graduated to the next level.

Of course, I get this way every few months or few weeks or sometimes every few days. It's highly unlikely that I'd follow through at this point, but it's unbelievably freeing to finally realize that I'm not trapped here. I really am a smart, talented guy who could make a go of it just about anywhere, especially an anywhere that is more of a fit with who I am and what I believe than Tucson ever has been.

Off topic: I plan to start posting again soon (no, really!) about my take on some local issues. This blog was never intended to be a forum for my personal rants, but here we have it.

...to resurrect WeBelieveHer.com.

I've naturally been following the Duke lacrosse team rape case in which now a small but vocal band of athletic supporters (heh) are predictably misrepresenting how and why sexual violence happens and how it is investigated and prosecuted.

Specifically, the defense attorneys were quick to report that there was no DNA evidence matching any members of the team found on the victim (I don't use the word "alleged" here because if a woman says she was raped, I believe her - more on that in a moment). The defense has been all over the media crying out about the fact that the prosecutor is still investigating the case, as if the only way to prove a crime occured is with concrete DNA evidence.

Don't get me wrong, DNA (and other physical) evidence makes a prosecuting attorney's job much easier. But a lack of evidence doesn't disprove anything. It's false logic. There are plenty of reasons why there is no DNA evidence in this and countless other cases; the two that come most readily to mind are that the perps may have been wearing condoms (not all condoms are lubricated or treated with spermicide) or they may not have worn condoms but also not ejaculated in or on the victim. From the prosecutor's statements in the Duke case, there were other physical injuries sustained by the victim that are consistent with rape. It is also possible for a rape to occur and for the victim to sustain no visible physical injuries. Either way, it sounds like they have a solid Sexual Assault Response Team (SART) in Durham.

It's true that most rape cases never make it to trial because there is not enough physical evidence for the prosecution to feel like it has a solid enough chance of winning to justify the cost of going to trial. It's a really imperfect system. There are many women (and men) who are raped but who never receive justice through the traditional criminal justice system because it is a system designed to protect the accused and keep the victim out of the process. When a rape occurs, it is technically a crime against the state (as in, "the people vs. the rapist") and the victim is merely a witness to the most personal violation imaginable. There are seldom legal or systemic protections for the victim, but the rapist is guaranteed due process and all the privileges that come with it.

In cases like the one happening now in North Carolina, many onlookers choose to see a young woman trying to extort money or attention by manipulating the public's emotions. They see the defense statements about the DNA results and proclaim, "but there was no DNA match...she must be lying!"

The fact is, lack of DNA evidence does not equal a manufactured charge. It's one of the most widely circulated and damaging rape myths out there. False allegations of rape are extremely rare, especially when you consider how much time, effort and resources go into the ivestigation and prosecution of sexual offenses. Most allegations don't go beyond the initial statement to law enforcement - if they even get reported. An unfortunate majority of sexual offenses - more than 6 in 10 - are never reported to law enforcement. Law enforcement agencies and prosecutors are generally diligent stewards of due process and public funds. The conventional wisdom says that you have to have an airtight case for it to procede to trial. The definition of "airtight case" is thankfully finally loosening some, but it's still an uphill battle for victims to seek and receive justice through the traditional channels.

Sadly, the cases that are not prosecuted - mostly for lack of physical evidence - all get lumped together as "unsubstantiated." An unsubstantiated allegation of sexual violence doesn't mean it is made up or manufactured for some nefarious purpose. It simply means that the prosecutor or investigating law enforcement officer felt that he or she did not have enough to use to build a case that would convince a jury. Prosecutors today though are finding more and more that it takes less and less to convince a jury that a crime did indeed occur. Again, there's still a huge burden of proof to clear, but prosecutors are becoming less timid in taking on that burden. And we're all safer for it.

I will say that it is absolutely detestable to just make up an accusation of sexual assault. Whenever someone does that, they minimize the very real and life-shattering trauma experienced by people who were raped or molested or abused. Fakers also feed into the rape myth and make it more difficult for real victims to come forward and be believed.

This is actually something we can all easily agree on - people shouldn't lie about being raped. Unfortunately, too many members of the general public conflate "not enough evidence" with "lying" and they're not the same thing.

If you're still skeptical, try looking at it this way: would you want to be the person who called her a liar when it turned out she was telling the truth all along and she ends up committing suicide because nobody would help her? People who are raped and don't get the help they need do kill themselves. It's one way that people respond to severe trauma.

There was a story on the wires just last week about the chilling consequences of a person in a position to help not believing the person seeking help. That little boy in Illinois (if memory serves) who called 911 when his mom collapsed in their home...the 911 operator chastised him for pranking the emergency hotline and didn't believe him when he asked for help. She didn't send the EMT's and the police only arrived hours later to investigate what the operator had deemed a prank call to an emergency number (a felony in some places). The boy's mom died on the floor hours before the police arrived. If that operator had taken that little boy at his word, he might still have his mom today.

It really isn't any different with rape victims. It's crucial that you believe someone if they tell you they were raped or molested or abused. You could literally be saving his or her life.

I don't know what happened in that Durham bathroom, but the odds that something happened do favor the young woman.

I'm sad about not getting the job, but I'm also handling it remarkably well.

I spend a lot of time putting on airs about my talents and skills and experience to cover some seriously low self-esteem. But this time was different.

This wasn't about being entitled to the position. It's not that I deserved the job, it's just that I could have done it and done it very well. And I say all this with no false hubris. My tragic flaw this time wasn't talent but location.

Truth be told, this was the second time in as many years that I applied for this position. The first time around I didn't even get an interview. This time around I had cheerleaders all over the state pulling for me, for whom I'm grateful.

I wish I had been offered the job today, but I'm surprisingly at peace about it because I know that I was finally good enough to get it; this simply boiled down to regionalism gone mad. With 70% or more of the board of a statewide organization hailing from one county (not the one in which I live), this decision was not surprising. Diappointing, but not surprising.

And I'm proud of myself that I went through this process with integrity, not giving up on the commitments I've made to Wingspan, SAMHC, the Women's Commission or the Porch Light Foundation. I didn't try to weasel out of a lease or put my cat through the stress of moving. I don't like to believe that I have roots now in Tucson, but I do have responsibilities and connections that I value. I'm glad that I did not choose to sacrifice those for a job, no matter how good it would have been.

Since when do I look on the bright side of anything? Does that count as personal growth?

In what has been perhaps the worst-kept secret of my recent professional life, the big news alluded to in my previous posts is that I was a finalist for the Executive Director position with the Arizona Sexual Assault Network.

As you have probably guessed by now, dear reader, I was not offered the position. It apparently came down to my need to remain in Tucson for other personal and professional obligations. In a slightly flattering softening of the blow, the board chair did compliment me extensively and I was left with the impression that I would have been hired hands-down if I had been willing to move to the Great State of Maricopa. Another slight softening of the blow was that they did not hire the other candidate either (who does reside in Phoenix). The board is apparently going to take some time to assess itself and the needs of the organization.

I'm trying very hard to not come off as bitter. I am disappointed, natch. AZSAN is, after all, a statewide organization. I was willing to commute and spend a few days each week in their Phoenix office. And with the board intending to direct the next ED to focus on building a donor base, it was likely that I would be traveling around the state anyway. Again, statewide organization.

Needless to say, it's disappointing news for me. It would have been a huge step up and I really feel I could have led that organization to profound success. Their loss, right? Right?

So with that, and with the AZSAN board chair's encouragement of me to keep applying for similar positions, I'm announcing my intention to apply for the Southern Arizona Center Against Sexual Assault President/CEO position. It's where I work now as Communications Director. I know they won't even grant me an interview, but it's important for me to keep my board focused on remembering that the chief executive must know about sexual violence inside and out, in addition to having strong business skills.

To those who knew what was going on and supported me, thank you. To those who knew what was going on but not officially, thanks for seeing through my thin veil and still supporting me. I may be down, but I'm certainly not out!

See? I'm not ALWAYS negative, even when I have good reason to be...