Guest opinion in the Citizen about the LD 28 Senate race. Sums up my thoughts over the past few weeks pretty well. Props to Arizona List.

Jack Kemp offers to campaign with Joementum.

At what point is it appropriate to start feeling sad for this schmo?

There are a number of Arizona progressive bloggers touting the latest Zogby/Wall Street Journal poll that shows Jim Pederson within about 4% of Jon Kyl.

There's only one problem: this was an online poll and the methodology is inherently flawed.

I hate to be a party-pooper, but look at this latest poll in comparison to all other recent polls of the race (listed on the WSJ page) and Kyl's SUSA approve/disapprove numbers. He's (barely) above 50% and trending upwards. The WSJ/Zogby poll is the clear outlier.

At least wait to celebrate until another couple of polls confirms this one. Until then, I'm still encouraging the Pederson team to start going after Kyl's abysmal record of putting profits before people and rigid ideaology before realistic solutions.

I hadn't planned on making any endorsements in any of the contested primary races this year, but recent events have led me to reconsider that decision.

First off, I support the candidacies of Janet Napolitano, Terry Goddard and Jim Pederson. All three face token opposition, if any, in their primary contests (and, some would argue, in a couple of their general election contests too). Janet and Terry are running the kinds of campaigns they need to run as incumbents.

I wish to high heaven that Mr. Pederson would start running a more aggressive campaign against Jon Kyl. There are plenty of gold mines in the Senator's voting record to make political hay out of. It's not negative if it's true. Challengers running against incumbents MUST play offense. All of these feel-good commercials about Jim's business success and what he would do if elected don't amount to a hill of beans if the majority of voters aren't convinced why they should not stick with the devil they know. The theme of his campaign should be accountability and the message should be how much of a rubber stamp Jon Kyl has been for George W. Bush's failed policies. The more you highlight the failures of the Bush administration and the Republican Congress, the faster you'll see Kyl's numbers drop. I can't for the life of me figure out why Pederson's camp isn't pointing out the obvious. Iraq is a huge failure, but there's also the economy, gas prices, Social Security privatization (which Kyl still supports), Katrina response and rebuilding, and any number of other dismal failures of Bush domestic and foreign policy that Jon Kyl still believes were successes. It's time for the Pederson camp to knock off Kyl's rose-colored glasses and give him a black eye!

Now for some of the contested primary races:

State Superintendent of Public Instruction
Endorsement: Jason Williams

Though I appreciate Slade Mead's principles and regret that the Republican Party essentially kicked him out for, you know, not hating brown people and poor people and gays enough, I have to go with the teacher on this one. My mom was a member of the local school board for 16 years. She was president of her county school board for a stint during that time and earned a Master School Board Member certification from the state of New Jersey, one of the first to do so. She was also a former teacher B.C. (before children), and I think that's a big part of what made her so successful. So my nod goes to Williams for the Top Teacher spot. Although really, I'd be happy with either instead of Tom Horne, that pompous do-nothing windbag.


State House - LD28
Endorsements: David Bradley and Ted Prezelski

I'll probably only endorse in this district because it's mine.

David Bradley has done an admirable job of representing my interests in the state House. He's low-key and represents his constituents with dignity and honor (which is more than I can say for his House colleague in the district). I especially appreciate his courage and diligence in sponsoring the successful common sense anti-bullying legislation last year. His modesty is as appreciated as his ability to get the job done. Frankly, I don't think David is recognized enough for the work he does at the Legislature.

I only know Ted through his blog, which is a must-read for me. His insight and passion for sound public policy are what make him stand out from the pack. I know that Steve Farley is getting a lot of the buzz, primarily because of his past forays into the public spotlight. But I would prefer to vote for someone who will work quietly behind the scenes to pass good laws (or at least prevent the truly atrocious Republican ones from getting to the Governor's desk). Ted is smart, quick-witted and silver-tongued. What better qualities to look for in a Representative?


State Senate - LD28
Endorsement: Paula Aboud

I was honestly very agnostic about this race for a long time, until Ted Downing started in with his ridiculous excuses about voting against the spousal rape repeal. In their endorsement of Ted, the Tucson Citizen cited his objections to a so-called "technicality" that the legislation did not provide penalties for falsely reporting spousal rape. That would be admirable if it weren't an outright lie. The legislation that Ted voted against did indeed include a class one misdemeanor penalty for falsely reporting sexual assault of a spouse, the same class as for making false statements to law enforcement about any other felony. So is Ted saying that alleged rape victims should be held to higher account? Ted clearly does not understand what happens when allegations of sexual assault are made. Even the not-made-up allegations rarely make it very far. Ted also likes to point out that he co-sponsored the 2004 spousal rape repeal bill. That's great and I do deeply appreciate that. But that bill didn't include any penalties for false reporting that Ted now so self-righteously said he stood for. So why all the sudden concern in 2005 that he never even registered until the final vote was taken, at which point his alleged concerns were already addressed. Did he even read the bill? This may not be enough for others to decide to vote against Ted and for Paula, but when it comes to sexual violence, I am a single-issue voter. Shame on Mr. Downing for manipulating facts and then accusing his opponent of dirty tricks! Paula has acquited herself quite well during her short tenure in the Senate. And why does Ted all of a sudden want to switch bodies? He wasn't term-limited out of his House seat. Could it be that this blowhard knows that he will have more of a chance to hear himself talk in a body half the size?


CD8
Endorsement: Gabrielle Giffords or Jeff Latas
(if the Arizona Human Right Fund could endorse both Bob Walkup and Tom Volgy for Mayor at the same time, I can endorse two candidates for the same office at once too - at least mine are both from the same party!)

Ms. Giffords has been the frontrunner in this race from the day Jim Kolbe announced his retirement, but Jeff Latas was in the race already at that point, ready to take on the 11-term incumbent. Both Giffords and Latas are intelligent, committed and effective communicators of their visions. I was proud to have Gabrielle represent me in the Senate. I've been consistently impressed with Jeff's approach to the issues and his fighting spirit for progressive values. Both candidates have also been running more or less positive campaigns. I've taken issue with Giffords' early supporters pretty much anointing her the next House member from southern Arizona, without even acknowledging that there were other candidates already declared long before she threw her hat in the ring. When I posted one of those early tirades on this-here blog, Gabrielle responded to me personally and I give her a ton of credit for that. Jeff did the same when I was critical of his early messaging. These are two very smart and savvy people and I would be thrilled to pieces if either of them won the nomination.
Honorable mention goes to Francine Schacter. Talk about smart and sassy!
Alex Rodriguez has never impressed me much and Patty Weiss (and her online supporters) always comes off as angry to me. There may be plenty to be angry about, but it doesn't appeal to me as a voter.
Bill Johnson is batshit insane.
And Dwight, darling, you're not even on the ballot. You're not, as far as I can tell, even running a write-in campaign. While your early pursuit of the nomination was admirable, you are not technically a candidate anymore since you didn't submit any nominating petitions. Just want to make sure we're clear.


Though I'm not officially endorsing any Republicans, I will strongly urge my Republican and Independent friends in LD26 to vote for Toni Hellon to retain her Senate seat and for Pete Hershberger and Lisa Lovallo in the House. Toni and Pete have done their best to keep the most extreme elements of their caucus from going over the deep end. Lisa would add another voice of moderation. I know Lisa personally and can think of nobody better prepared to work with colleagues from every end of the political spectrum to get solid policy passed that will not harm families. Seriously, she's a damn sight better than Carol Summers, whose right-wing voting record from the last time she served in the legislature betrays her faux-moderate campaigning this cycle. I only hope that the positive words from this lefty Dem don't hurt Lisa's chances in her majority GOP district (as if anybody actually reads this).


So there you have it. I was going to write a post entitled, "Ted Downing is Full of Shit," but I think this may have been a more diplomatic way to go. Flame on if you want, but I've said my peace and I'm sticking to it. All of it.

You know what I hate even more?

When the same person who sends me text messages, even after she's been politely asked many times not to, sends me a duplicate text message at 2:36 AM and it wakes me up.

Seriously, how rude can you be?

You know what I really hate?

When somebody sends me a text message even though I don't have text messaging and that person has been told repeatedly that I don't have text messaging and has been asked repeatedly not to send them to me.

I know it's only a couple of cents each time, but it still irritates the fuck out of me.

There's been quite a little dustup recently over Gabrielle Giffords' latest campaign ad about turning on lights or some-such. Apparently the Daily Star political reporter (a former College Republican partisan, no less) uncovered a perceived distortion in the content of her ad.

As I continue to say, I have no horse in this race and probably won't decide who I'm voting for until much closer to the primary. The race is more or less down to Jeff Latas and Gabby for me. Patty Weiss just hasn't impressed me and, as someone with a background in the entertainment industry (of sorts) myself, I don't see how she's qualified to represent me in Congress. But I digress. Back to the ad in question.

There has been a LOT of quibbling over whether or not Gabby lied in her new ad or whether she was stretching the truth or whether any of that actually matters. I'm of the school of thought that it doesn't matter all that much. Her opponents are trying to make hay out of the perceived truthiness, but I think it's splitting hairs.

Take this quote from Dr. Samuel Johnson (18th century English poet and philosopher):

In all pointed sentences, some degree of accuracy must be sacrificed to conciseness.

I keep this quote on my dry erase board in my office. To me, Dr. Johnson is saying that you need to be creative with your message if you want to get your point across. It's not about dishonesty or misleading your audience, it's about getting your audience to pay attention in the first place.

Gabby was trying to get a point across and had 30 seconds in which to do it. When those are the parameters, you need to be creative. I happen to think the ad is brilliant for the succint way it gets her point across. I don't think the dustup will hurt her and, in fact, I think the ad will help far more than the non-controversy will hurt. Voters (and consumers) don't care about process, they care about results. The vast majority of people in CD8 don't care if a quorum call is technically a vote or not; they do, by and large, care about the impact of that action, which was to slow down the legislative leadership's unwise budgetary juggernaut.

This is not an endorsement of Gabby or her campaign. It's just an honest interpretation of what I think is an overreaction. Not that I blame the Weiss campaign; they might as well try to get some traction out of this if they can. I just don't think there's much to it.

And as a side note, the results vs. process dynamic is one of the reasons I started m²powered communications solutions in the first place. I was sick and tired of watching non-profit organizations whose missions I believed in deeply keep coming out with atrociously long and boring messages that appealed to their core constituencies but not many others beyond that. We are not our intended audiences. It's as simple as that. The messages that we respond best to are not the messages that will most actively and effectively engage those who most need to hear what we have to say. The same can be said for candidates. A candidate who is long-winded and boring on the stump is not likely to expand his or her supporter base.

So flame away if you must. But do try to keep it short and sweet.

It's been one week since my best friend suddenly and without warning dropped the bombshell on me that he and his partner are moving 3,000 miles away in 3 months.

My emotions have run the gamut since then. I've been devastated, angry, depressed, incredulous, desperate, confused, bitter and guilty. Life after October 31 or so will be difficult.

But I also want to say that I wish them a happy life together in their new home base. That's the thing: I've been angry and hurt by their decision and the way they made it, but I also still care about them and wish them the best. It's this concept of duality that I've been exploring for about six months. It's OK for me to experience two or more seemingly conflicting emotions at the same time.

So I'm sad that I won't be part of this new chapter in their lives, but I sincerely want what's best for them. I don't know what the future will hold for me (possibly grad school?), but for now I've achieved a measure of peace. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? But at least for tonight, peace.

Of course, the St. John's Wort probably has something to do with that too. I'm just saying.

As mentioned below, my former boss had me over for lunch today at her home downtown. She invited me over to talk about the LD28 race and we talked about that and the Pederson campaign.

But I also got a chance to talk with her about my current sad state of affairs. I value her counsel and insight - she and I are so different that her perspective is often one I never thought of.

Her advice to me was that I should "just be" for now. Don't do anything rash, she said. Just feel everything I'm feeling and let it wash over me and just...be.

I think that's probably some of the best advice I've had since Monday. And I should also pat myself on the back for not breaking down into an emotional heap while retelling my sad tale.

So I'm going to try and just be for awhile. And I'm going to just go with the flow and let whatever happens happen. Sure, I say that now, but I'll give it a go. I think this will be my surest way of getting to a place where the friendship will survive. Battered and bruised, but survive.

I just posted two lengthy replies to a post at Blog For Arizona about Ted Downing's no vote on the spousal rape repeal last year and how Paula Aboud's campaign is using it against him in the race this year. You should go read the original post and my two comments there.

I'm still not done talking about it, but rather than clutter up that fine blog with more of my screeds, I'll give my faithful readers a break and talk about something much lighter than my depression. That's a little gallows humor for those of you keeping score.

I think the notion that there is an epidemic of women going around and accusing their husbands of rape would be laughable if it wasn't so tragic. I also think it represents a fundamental misunderstanding of the criminal justice system, its purpose and how it works. The underlying tenet of the criminal justice system is that accused people are presumed innocent until proven guilty.

The system goes to great lengths to protect accused persons, through extensive investigations, the relatively modern reliance on forensic evidence, jury trials and supposedly impartial jurists. A victim has very few rights and little say in what happens with her (or his) case after it is reported. And the victim would have to repeat her (or his) story many times to many different people if it were ever to get to trial. As recently as five years ago, fewer than 10% of reported sexual assaults in Pima County led to conviction. This does not mean that the other 90% made false reports. It just means the system is not effective.

If somebody really wanted to report a sexual assault in Pima County, they would have to talk to an officer, who would evaluate the credibility of the claim and what evidence there may or may not be. Then the officer may refer to the sex crimes unit of their agency. The survivor would have to give another statement to the detective. Then the detective and sergeant would again evaluate the claim. Then (ideally) the survivor gets refered to the Pima County Attorney's Office unit that handles these cases, where - you guessed it - the survivor has to tell the story of the most traumatic experience of her life yet again. Thrown in there along the way are victim advocates, medical professionals and probably friends or family members who want to be supportive.

The point of this very glib explanation is that it is extremely unlikely for a deliberately and maliciously false accusation to get very far in the system is extremely unlikely when even the "slam-dunk" legitimate ones often don't get very far. Let's just say that law enforcement investigators have a healthy sense of skepticism that is sometimes so healthy it turns off genuine survivors from pursuing justice through the traditional criminal justice system.

That's why we accepted the new false reporting of sexual assault of a spouse statute as a compromise to get spousal rape repealed last year. We know there are plenty of disincentives in the system for reporting in general and that law enforcement is savvy enough to root out the legitimately made up lies (which are few and far between). That, and the penalty is still the same as it always was. And that's not all, but I won't go into the dueling definitions of "false reporting". Suffice it to say, I use the definition of "deliberately and completely manufactured lie with the intent to do harm to the accused". Some law enforcement and prosecution types still define false reports as any reported sexual assault in which there is insufficient physical evidence to pursue prosecution. This definition is extremely biased and unfair to survivors.

I could go on, but I'm running late and need to run. This has been good prep for my lunch date with Bridget though!

Not surprisingly, I've been having some trouble getting to sleep and staying asleep. Anxiety has that effect on me.

I'm back to being pretty depressed. At least when I was angry, it was easier to function. Now I just don't want to get out of bed. If I just stay in bed, I won't be reminded and triggered by random shit. Of course, since I'm having problems sleeping, maybe staying in bed isn't as much of a protective factor as I'd like it to be.

I do need to get up though; I'm having lunch with my ex-boss at her home today. I'll be interested to hear her take on this situation and her advice to me. She's having me over to talk about a couple of local elections, but I have my own agenda.

I'm definitely having a hard time seeing how I'd ever be able to trust anyone again. If my closest friend would abandon me so easily, what guarantee do I have that this won't continue to happen with others? A cognitive distortion perhaps, but from where I sit, this is a recurring theme with the people in my life. In which case, what's wrong with me? I guess this is the guilt/self-blame stage of grief.

And the fact that they haven't made any attempt to contact me since Wednesday indicates to me that they're OK with cutting me out of their lives entirely. Even if I'm not ready to talk, the fact that they haven't tried to reach out really hurts more. I mean, there's no way to make the whole situation right at this point, but I still hope it can be made better. Ugh. This is what's been keeping me up at night.

I think if I keep this angsty bullshit up much longer people will just start ignoring me altogether. Maybe that would be for the best. Then I could just quietly disappear...

My parents and their friends were down in Tucson today. We went to lunch, then they took me to the Costco to do a little grocery shopping (very little - it's a little hard to buy in bulk when you're eating for one).

I found myself getting triggered left and right. Products at the Costco would remind me of time I've spent and things done with my best friend. That Costco was also the very first place I ate when I moved to Tucson. Not something I'm particularly pleased about, but my dad - who drove the truck cross-country with me - really likes their hot dogs. He took me and my best friend out to lunch there after buying us groceries. It's not romanticized or particularly fun, but it makes for an interesting enough story.

So I'm already missing him, even with the stupid and pointless stuff. Of course, he's here for another few months and I could stop standing on ceremonies. But I'm also still feeling so hurt that I'm not entirely sure I could talk to him yet without lashing out.

I'm just physically and emotionally exhausted at this point. I need to reach some resolution soon or this will continue to tear me apart. It's not something I'm going to just get over. The logical step would be to talk about it. But maybe not just yet...

I have a guilty little secret. Any time I'm facing some kind of turmoil in my life, I visit this website for a free online Tarot card reading. I don't generally put a lot of stock in this, but it does usually help me think through the situation at hand.

Tonight was no different. I had the website choose the deck and spread for me, then asked, "what should I do now?" Here's what it told me (emphases mine):

The Fourfold Vision spread offers a progression of different ways of looking at an object, person, or situation. It is a powerful tool for gaining deeper insight into the specific subjects of other readings. The Ator Tarot is a smart and whimsical spin on Rider Waite symbolism. The clunky and adorable characters of the Ator Tarot make it the deck of choice for those seeking a refreshing approach to divination. ...

The significator, not shown is the card you have chosen to embody your presence and the focus of the reading.
Knight of Pentacles: The essence of earth behaving as fire, such as molten magma: One slow to action, but decisive and unrelenting once set in motion. A force of nature whose methods are as predictable and dependable as they are unstoppable. The voice of duty, honor, and responsibility. The will to the change the world, not through bold action, but through the thorough and unwavering application of proven means.

The card on the far right represents the object being viewed, be it an idea, relationship, or the self.
Ace of Swords: The seed of victory - perhaps as yet unseen. A challenge to be met and solved through the invocation of force. An opportunity to bring reason and intelligence to bear in the pursuit of justice and truth. An excessive power that must not be abused. May suggest new ideas or information that can reveal a solution to the problem at hand.

The card second from the right represents the physical vision: how the object is seen at a base or mechanical level.
The Empress, when reversed: Stifling matriarchal influence. Unhappiness, selfishness, poverty and disruption of the home or family. Indecision, paranoia, and jealous rage. Sterility.

The card in the middle represents the mental vision: the object personified and seen through a humanized perspective.
Two of Wands (Dominion), when reversed: The erosion of power and influence. Failing to articulate goals or establish a vision for the future. Being caught off guard, due to an inability to come to grips with the impact of past decisions. Obstinate and irresponsible leadership. Loss of interest, clarity, or faith in a venture.

The card second from the left represents the emotional vision: how passions and values are creatively stimulated by the mental vision.
Five of Pentacles (Worry): Hard times brought on by addiction, wasteful spending, ill health, or an outside event. Rejection, loneliness, and the need for comfort. May suggest unemployment, a catastrophe in personal finance, or a turn for the worse in business.

The card on the far left represents the fourfold or mystical vision: still viewing through the previous three, we now add a spiritual element, revealing unseen aspects of the object.
Three of Cups (Abundance): A time of merriment and reflection spent in the company of friends and loved ones. The conclusion of a matter in plenty and perfection. The strength of a diverse community being brought together. May suggest a celebration, festival, anniversary, wedding, baby shower, or other joyous gathering.

Now, I'm not reading into this, but I'd say this random internet script nailed how I see and feel about my current situation fairly accurately. I only hope that the unseen aspects of the object come to pass in as positive way as indicated in this silly little "reading".

Time will tell. Stupid time. Always takes too long.

There have been a lot of people who have been pretty supportive over the past few days and I hope they know how much I appreciate that.

My anger is giving way to grief. But it's mostly grief about a friendship that feels like it's destined to end soon. It's feels very much like I'm losing a brother. I'm trying to get to a point where I can just let go and support this move, but I still can't get past the way the decision was made, its timing, or the circumstances that led to it. I also can't yet get past the life-altering implications this has for me.

Call me selfish, call me dramatic, call me ridiculous. But I won't cede my right to feel exactly how I'm feeling and I won't be made to feel guilty or ashamed about how I feel. The reason I feel the way I feel is because of circumstances that are beyond my control. I can no more control my emotions than I can control my metabolism. It's what I do with them that matters. And I think the fact that I haven't had any major lash-outs or breakdowns speaks volumes.

I think I'm more or less numb right now, which is good for functioning on a daily basis, but I know the numbness won't last for long. Who knows what stage of the emotional roller-coaster tomorrow will bring. I'd really like to get to acceptance and understanding soon, but I may just be too stubborn and self-centered to ever get there. And I'm a little angry that I've shifted from recognizing and being indignant about the selfishness of others to acknowledging and worrying about my own.

So thanks to those who have lent their ears and shoulders and whatnot. It will be hard for me to ever trust anyone again (no exaggeration - I barely trusted people to begin with), but your kindness is still appreciated.

In a brief and much-needed break from my personal life angst that has been preoccupying my consciousness (and unconsciousness) for the past few days, I'm returning to the world of Arizona politics for one quick observation.

Jim Pederson has been putting out a bunch of TV commercials, which are OK. I like them better so far than Kyl's. They're decent getting-to-know-you ads about Jim.

What I can't understand is why he's not doing more to tie Kyl to the Bush administration. Kyl is one of the most reliable votes the White House has. And with a Bush job approval rating at just 43% in Arizona, I'd be doing everything I can to wrap that albatross around Kyl's neck in every speech and advertisement that goes out.

Kyl is just awful on women's rights, civil rights, immigration, the economy and defense. He's out of touch and out of step. What will it take for the loyal opposition candidate, who was supposed to be a slam-dunk upset, to actually point that out to voters? This is why I won't donate (time or money) to the state party or this particular campaign. Show me your teeth and I'll reconsider.

If the Pederson campaign's strategy is to "kill 'em with kindness," we're on a one way trip to another six years of Jon Kyl's conservative hypocrisy. How many times do I have to say that challengers need to go on the offense and not think that they can defeat an incumbent by only playing defense? This lukewarm campaign has been mostly a disappointment so far. There's a lot of anti-incumbent energy available for federal elections right now; this campaign is currently representing a missed opportunity of enormous proportions.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled emotional turmoil.

The thought does occur to me that it's probably the easier out for me to just cut off contact than to try and work out some amenable separation. I'd still prefer things to be amenable and for the friendship not to end, I'm just not sure how that can happen at this point. I feel incredibly betrayed and abandoned. I don't know how to get past that. Help is appreciated.

The intense anger I was feeling yesterday is starting to subside. I'm still pissed off, not by the decision itself, but by the way the decision was made. I'm also pissed about why the decision was made, which I've already briefly covered in a previous post with the domino theory of hurting those you care about: if someone hurt me, I wouldn't turn around a few months later and hurt someone else I care about in a very similar way.

I'm grieving now in large part because I don't think there's any easy way out of this. There's nothing that can be done to make this right. They can't change their minds at this point (the decision is probably best for them, even though I think it's at the wrong time for the wrong reasons). No apology can cover the pain I've been caused. I can't move back to the town I left because the employment picture there is bleak and I've outgrown it. So I'm stuck in Tucson for the time being, soon to be without my support network, and that support network isn't so much anymore.

This was a messy situation from the start, and one that could have been avoided with more deliberate and strategic planning. But impulse and self-preservation won out. Before moving here, my best friend used to freely spread the quote, "self-preservation is a full time occupation." He had outgrown that for a while, but I guess trauma has a way of making people regress.

This whole situation just sucks and I grieve the fact that if I can't trust my chosen family, who can I trust? And what does it say about my own judgement? I suppose I should be saying this all to my best friend directly, but I'm afraid I might say something we'd both regret if we talked right now. Actions have consequences, and I'm sad that the consequences of his actions feel very much like they are careening toward the end of our friendship. God that hurts. I don't know what to do or how to make this right or even if it's my responsibility to try. I'm not the one who's bailing.

Well, sort of.

I'm definitely in the anger stage. I'm really not sure I want to maintain any contact at all.

I also am pretty sure that I don't want to move back to Ithaca. That was a hard realization (and one I'm not 100% committed to yet). But one of the reasons I left Ithaca was because I'd outgrown it. It's a wonderful, but very small community.

I felt I'd outgrown Tucson a year ago. Why would I want to regress to something I've already done in a place I've already been? And I can't imagine why my best friend, who I thought was also of the outgrown-Tucson persuasion, would want to regress like that. All recent emotional trauma aside, I don't know that it's a healthy decision for him. But what do I know? I guess I don't know him as well as I thought I did.

Anyway, I took today and Friday off. We'll see how I do when left to my own devices.

I've been getting some good moral support from those around me at work, which has been helpful. I think it was a good decision to go into work today. That's one of the advantages of working with a bunch of crisis advocates who actually care about what they do and about me (unlike the advocates I worked with the last time I went through this...those heartless bitches).

Though I still feel a tremendous amount of grief, I'm transitioning to anger right now. My best friend and I had a conversation not two weeks ago where he told me that he always envisioned this kind of move as a group effort and that it would be great if we were all ready to move at the same time. That's why I felt so blindsided by this sudden announcement. I wasn't even part of the process. I was an afterthought. Of course they have absolutely no obligation to include me in their plans and I have no right to expect them to ask for my approval. But I thought I was part of a team and now it's clear I'm not.

This feels like I'm on the receiving end of something that was done to them about three months ago: someone they had invested a lot of time and emotional energy in up and deciding on her own to just leave. It's the domino effect and I'm the last tile in the series.

I've kind of been hoping I guess that somebody would look me square in the eye and tell me it's foolish to keep following my best friend around the country when it's especially clear I'm second-class in his life. But so far everyone has acknoledged that while it would be problematic, I'm clearly not happy in Tucson and never have been and perhaps this is the stimulus I need to move on somewhere else.

Perhaps. My dad asked me last night if I had an opportunity on the east coast and they were staying here and not moving, would I move back east? My answer was a resounding yes. Dad said that's all he needed to hear. I guess it really is all in how you frame it. I'm still not convinced, and I'm the one who has to still respect myself at the end of the day.

So I still don't know what I'm going to do. Even if I did try to move at the same time as them, the way they reached their decision has kind of tainted me and I've actually been considering just shutting off all contact because these next few months may just prove too painful otherwise.

OT-This is odd to be journaling about something so personal in such a public space. A first for me and not sure how I feel about it. I feel that most of what I've journaled in the past has been not fit for public consumption and comes off as whiny and obtuse. I hope that's less the case with these posts.

I guess I may be posting more frequently, not less, at least for today. This is on the same general topic as my last post.

The thing I'm finding most painful right now is a matter of need. I need them more than they need me. For a while, we had a nicely co-dependent relationship. Maybe not the healthiest way to live our lives, but at least it was mutual. Or so I thought.

But now it's becoming clear that I'm not enough to keep them here. That stings. The response will naturally be that it's not about me, the decision has nothing to do with me. But this isn't my first time at the rodeo. I can read the writing on the wall, and it says, "you don't matter enough." Not that I don't matter at all, just not enough. I suppose that's nothing new. I've been inadequate in just about every other facet of my life at one point or another.

I feel really nauseous right now, like I'm going to vomit. Pretty, huh? I did get slightly more sleep than I expected, which is good. I'm still exhausted though. This is going to be a long and difficult day. I suppose I have a lot of those in my future now. Keen.

I am beside myself.

My best friend just dropped a major bombshell on me tonight and I am pretty much devastated. He and his partner have decided to move back east at the end of October. I can't say I'm particularly surprised with the decision itself, just by the timing. And they really are my sole major support system in Tucson, my chosen family, so I have a ton of anxiety about what will happen to me after they leave.

Their reasons are valid and I want to come to a place where I can support their decision, but I also need to be a little selfish right now and worry about how I will survive alone in a city and state I don't particularly care much for, with very little in the way of reliable friends besides them. I never have particularly cared for Tucson, and now it's looking less likely that I ever will.

This is far more complicated than I care to discuss here and now (but watch me anyway!). The thing is, I've sort of already been down this road before with him, which is partially what led me to move to Tucson in the first place. I spent a good portion of tonight curled up in a ball, rocking back and forth, and repeating, "I can't do this again."

It was a rough time four and a half years ago. The dynamics are slightly different this time around, but the emotional powderkeg is no less explosive. I'm as much concerned about what will happen to me due to external forces after they leave as what I may do to myself. Well. That was unexpectedly candid. Fear not, I have no plan nor any major intent to do anything rash. I suppose that can be my silver lining for now.

My parents were unbelievably supportive when I talked to them about it tonight. I mean, totally unexpectedly unconditionally supportive of me leaving Arizona if that's what I feel I need to do. I honestly don't know what I need to do or what's best for me. There are plenty of compelling reasons either way. I certainly can't spend the rest of my life following my best friend around the country, but I also have a very real fear that if I don't stick close, we will cease to be best friends, we'll drift further and further apart and will eventually lose touch. He assures me that will never happen, but I see it happen all the time.

We've both invested a lot of emotional energy in this friendship. I mean, several metric tons-worth. And now it kind of feels like that was all kind of pointless. Again, they have very valid reasons for moving now, and they will both be much happier not in Tucson, but it hurts deeply that I'm not part of this healing process. Trying real hard not to make this all about me, but damnit, this affects my life too. I'm allowed to feel shitty about it.

I know he checks in on this space periodically (because he says he feels "obligated"), and I tried tonight when we talked to let him know that I believe he needs to do what he feels he needs to do to find happiness and heal from some very difficult juju that's happened recently. Still, I can't help but feel that they're pursuing their own happiness and mental health at the expense of mine. I know that's not the intent, but that's definitely the effect.

I know it's not all about me, but I am impacted by this decision. And just as bad, every interaction we have from now until the end of October (which will be fewer and far between becauee they are now both working second jobs with lots of hours to help pay for their move) will be colored by this haze of impending doom that I feel. I can try and hide it and make pretend that everything is just fine, but why lie? I'm in pain and angry and scared and nauseous. What is gained by suppressing these real emotions?

So I need to figure out what to do. I was having such a good day, too. This is why I try to never let myself get too comfortable or happy...there's always something waiting at the end of the day to burst my bubble: funding runs out, relationships end, loved ones leave. I understand transition, but I've never been good with it. I seem to wish that everything stay perfectly preserved, just as it is now, in a hermetically sealed snow globe on a shelf somewhere.

These are going to be a rocky few months. The months thereafter will be even rockier. This could very well be my last post for a while. Or ever. I guess, dear reader, we're about to find out just how resilient I can be.