Today is the fifth anniversary of the day my dad and I drove into Tucson from our last stop in Las Cruces, NM in the big yellow truck that carried all my earthly belongings.

I'm having a little bit of a hard time believing that I've stayed in Tucson this long. That day five years ago was filled with such hope and excitement and that nauseating sense of, "oh fuck, what have I just done?!"

For a variety of reasons, I've never particularly loved this place. I just don't find the desert beautiful, as so many transplants do. To me, it's just barren, boring dirt. And the sunsets don't wow me either. They're nice, sure, but they're no better than sunsets in Hawaii or Ithaca.

I don't relish being so down on Tucson. I'm trying to look for the good (it's part of the "flowing with grace" part of my yoga practice), and for the most part, the good is in the people I've met here. They're the reason I've made it through five years here. I'm grateful, even blessed, to count some truly wonderful people as my friends (even if some of them moved away and left me here - you know who you are!).

I'd like to not be here in another five years, but who knows what the future holds? If I'm to make another major move, I intend to do it differently, to have a job lined up, and to do it for concrete and valid reasons.

My life is pretty good. But it could be and deserves to be great. I've taken lemons and made lemonade in the five years I've been here, but I can't help but remind myself that I'm not following my own advice by staying here:

When the world gives you lemons, don't make lemonade; take those lemons back and demand the apples you wanted in the first place.

The time may be ripe for me to start making some apple cider.

Labels: change, contentment, fear, friendship, jobs, moving, not really newsworthy, opening to grace, personal, relationships, self-awareness, self-care, success, Tucson

OK, so everyone's been giving me shit for not blogging in over a month. Here's a photo thread to keep you entertained until I feel like writing something profound.

Click on this slideshow to go to my photo album of me and my friends (I love my new digital camera!):

Labels: contentment, friendship, hope, personal, photos, relationships

Over the past couple of months, I've had a couple of friends come to me for advice and support as they sort out or go through some relationship (or "just friends") turmoil. I'm happy to try and help and be supportive, but I can't help thinking, "am I really the best qualified person for this?"

History would indicate that I'm not.

In fact, up until about six months ago or so, I was pretty hostile to even the concept of romance. At least twice in my adult life, I've been the co-dependent, emotionally needy shlub with unrequited crushes that end up leading me to pretty drastic life-changing experiences. And this is not some far-distant trend; it just happened again about two and a half months ago. I think this time I finally learned from my mistakes, but still. That those experiences have all seemed to have miraculously worked out for the best is still unrelated to the fact that I'm a terrible relationship role model.

On the other hand, maybe this is how I repair my romantic karma. Maybe by supporting those friends who are now being victimized by some of the same emotional blackmail and overwrought nonsense to which I subjected the objects of my unreciprocated affections, I can wash my love-slate clean.

This might also help make up for that one guy I broke up with via e-mail during my senior year in college.

I told you I'm bad at this!

So I'm happy to lend an ear or a shoulder and to offer advice when asked, but please take it with a huge heaping tablespoon of salt!

I mean, honestly, what the hell do I know?

Labels: friendship, letting go, personal, relationships, strength

First, Merry Christmas to my many goyim friends.

Yoga Oasis was offering a free class this morning, so I figured I'd go. When I got there (only a couple of minutes before the class was about to start), the parking lot was packed. Busier than I'd ever seen it, though my frame of reference is admittedly small. Rather than staying, I decided to practice at home, which I ought to be doing anyway.

On my way home, I stopped by Casa Video to see if there was anything there I wanted to rent. For my four-year anniversary at the Center Against Sexual Assault, some of my colleagues chipped in and bought me, among other things, a Casa gift certificate. I've only used it once, so today I figured I might as well take advantage of my credit.

I rented Oh! Calcutta! and the second season of Little Britain. I was going to rent this other movie with Elijah Wood (who I've had a little crush on for years, Lord of the Rings nonsense notwithstanding). But the cover said it had extreme violence in it, and I'm not in the mood for that right now.

Side note: Hair is often credited as being the first Broadway musical with nudity, but it was actually Oh! Calcutta!. My high school chorus teacher frequently pointed that out for some reason. Also noteworthy, Oh! Calcutta! counts among its authors John Lennon and Sam Shepard.

So I came home (after nearly an hour of wandering around Casa), laid out my yoga mat, and proceeded to practice as best I could. I did all right. In fact, I did better than all right: I did a backbend rather effortlessly! Backbends are supposed to be good for stimulating the thyroid and pituitary glands and for heightening mood. Given how I feel right now, I'm inclined to believe it.

As I was typing this, Miriam called me to ask for a ride home from the airport later tonight. I'm so excited to have her back (for however long it lasts till she moves to NYC for good). She's usually my birthday buddy - what else would two Jews do on Christmas Eve but spend it together going to a movie?

This year I went to see The History Boys at the Loft by myself. I did enjoy the movie. I especially appreciated the reminder of the future subjunctive tense - that which may or may not happen. Seemed rather a fitting concept for me to think about on my birthday.

I also want to thank Hillary for spending so much time with me this weekend. She had an extra ticket to see the Arizona Theatre Company production of Ella on Thursday, came to my party on Friday, and went to yoga class with me on Saturday, after which she treated me to brunch at the Blue Willow for my birthday. And then she sent me a happy birthday text message yesterday.

I feel really blessed - as blessed as an atheist can feel - to have such light and love in my life. In the year ahead, I commit to remaining open to grace.

Labels: birthday, British comedy, celebration, Hillary, Miriam, musicals, New York, personal, relationships, Tucson, yoga

I've just been made aware of something I'd been slowly suspecting all week. I've just repeated an interpersonal relationship series of behaviors that I engaged in almost exactly five years ago. I thought I was getting my shit together, especially with the new job, but it's clear I have miles to go. Miles to go.

I won't let all the joy I've worked to bring back into my life just disappear though. I'm going to figure this out and keep working on it. I refuse to let this spiral me into depression.

I'm sure this makes virtually no sense to all but a small few who read this blog. To those of you who know what I'm talking about, please give me your feedback.

For the rest of you, just ignore this post. I'll post something for you soon.

Labels: hope, personal, relationships