Today is the fifth anniversary of the day my dad and I drove into Tucson from our last stop in Las Cruces, NM in the big yellow truck that carried all my earthly belongings.

I'm having a little bit of a hard time believing that I've stayed in Tucson this long. That day five years ago was filled with such hope and excitement and that nauseating sense of, "oh fuck, what have I just done?!"

For a variety of reasons, I've never particularly loved this place. I just don't find the desert beautiful, as so many transplants do. To me, it's just barren, boring dirt. And the sunsets don't wow me either. They're nice, sure, but they're no better than sunsets in Hawaii or Ithaca.

I don't relish being so down on Tucson. I'm trying to look for the good (it's part of the "flowing with grace" part of my yoga practice), and for the most part, the good is in the people I've met here. They're the reason I've made it through five years here. I'm grateful, even blessed, to count some truly wonderful people as my friends (even if some of them moved away and left me here - you know who you are!).

I'd like to not be here in another five years, but who knows what the future holds? If I'm to make another major move, I intend to do it differently, to have a job lined up, and to do it for concrete and valid reasons.

My life is pretty good. But it could be and deserves to be great. I've taken lemons and made lemonade in the five years I've been here, but I can't help but remind myself that I'm not following my own advice by staying here:

When the world gives you lemons, don't make lemonade; take those lemons back and demand the apples you wanted in the first place.

The time may be ripe for me to start making some apple cider.

Labels: change, contentment, fear, friendship, jobs, moving, not really newsworthy, opening to grace, personal, relationships, self-awareness, self-care, success, Tucson

I went to Target tonight to pick up a Bluetooth headset and protective case for my new smart phone. They had a limited selection and I could have chosen items from what was in stock, but none of it really did it for me. I then walked through the rest of store (as I generally do), and walked right out without making a single purchase.

Self-discipline. How unexpected.

Labels: Palm Treo 700wx, self-awareness, Target

Work has been busy lately, and I'm really loving every minute of it. But that usually means staying as late as possible at work before heading off to yoga.

Tonight was no exception, except I had to stop by the real estate listing place to get an updated list since they didn't have anything new last week when I stopped by. One of our interns and I were the last two people in the admin side of the building. I should have received my access code clearance to set and turn off the alarm weeks ago, but something got lost and our HR coordinator had to call the alarm company to have them resend it this week. So the intern and I had to leave before the health care staff closed down the building.

I arrived at the real estate place, got my list, and realized I had left my cell phone back at the office. My yoga class was to start in about 20 minutes. I could go back to my office with the hope that health care staff would still be there and I could get in and out the building to grab my phone. Or I could just go without my cell phone for a night and go to yoga.

You can guess what choice I made.

I felt like I had a mini-breakthrough in Friday's class when the teacher chose me to demonstrate a hip opener. It was the first time I've been asked to demonstrate anything for the class since I started practicing, so it was an honor for me. I had a lackluster practice on Sunday morning because I didn't eat breakfast before class, and I had to skip last night's class because of another commitment, so I was really looking forward to getting back on my mat and giving myself over to the practice.

Some of my co-workers have brought up and asked me about my yoga practice over the past couple of days, which has also made me feel good about it. On Monday, our health care staff had a half day meeting, which I attended as a way to get to know them a little better and learn a bit more about service delivery. About halfway through, my VP counterpart on the health care side pulled me aside and asked if I'd lead some basic yoga exercises during their break before the section of the meeting on self-care. I happily agreed.

I didn't ultimately get to lead the abridged class because they ran out of time, but it did give me a chance to reflect on what I would have said and done. I discovered, as I sat there half-listening to the presentation on Gardasil, that I actually knew pretty much all I'd need to know to lead a short basic class, down to the foundational principles of the style of yoga I practice and the Sanskrit names of the basic asanas I would have worked through with them. Even though we were short on time yesterday, I was asked if I would lead a class or two in the future. I'm no teacher, but I can help lead folks through some of the basics.

Shortly before I left the office today, I got into a conversation with one of my staff members about my yoga practice. Again, I found myself speaking knowledgeably and providing a little education to my co-worker. It was surprising and wonderful.

So with the past two days of yogic revelations as a backdrop, I was pumped for class. I made small talk with my classmates, as I've become friendly with several of the other regulars. The woman who teaches the class I attend on Saturdays was also attending tonight's class and gave me a hug when she saw me. I felt a great sense of belonging, of connection that I had yet to feel since I started practicing about three months ago.

The opening lesson was about finding our edge and maybe pushing past it. Finding our boundaries of comfort, and then taking a step beyond, not just in asana practice, but in every aspect of life. Going all the way, giving yourself fully to whatever your task may be. With that in mind and as the foundation of tonight's class, I went whole hog.

I received multiple compliments from classmates and tonight's teacher alike on my Pincha Mayurasana. I got up effortlessly and was able to balance away from the wall for longer than ever before. After class, the teacher who hugged me before class made it a point to come over to me as I was rolling up my mat to tell me I had a beautiful Dhanurasana. I was deeply flattered. Then a couple of classmates and I got into some small talk as we were leaving and one of them insisted I meet her husband.

So I'm glad I decided to let go and learn to push past my edge. I think I have a solid understanding now of "opening to grace," which is the first of the five Universal Principles of Alignment that is the basis of this style of yoga.

Now I just need to figure out how to wake up in the morning, since I use my cell phone as my alarm clock...

Labels: challenge, change, contentment, endurance, journey, opening to grace, personal, self-awareness, self-care, strength, yoga

Labels: Jay Brannan, journey, self-awareness, transformation, truth

Pretty crowded class tonight, though I think it was more crowded last night. There were a couple of people in class with me tonight who I knew BY (before yoga), so that fun to experience them in that environment.

Tonight's theme was about the essence of yoga. Yoga literally means a union, joining or yoking. As Bruce explained it (again, working from memory, I may not have this quite right), it's about matching who you actually are with your perception of yourself and vice versa.

Again, this resonated with me. I've been told time and again that I am frighteningly self-aware. But I've also been criticized - and rightfully so - because I at least know where my weaknesses have historically been, but have done nothing to strengthen myself.

Until now, of course.

It was actually Chad who put it so bluntly and also led me to this door. I opened the door and walked through it myself, but he gave me the kick in the ass in the right direction that I needed.

I think it's fair to say that I'm becoming more a man of action than ever before. I'm working to embody that joining of who I am with who I know I can be.

On a largely unrelated topic: I'm starting to worry a little about my Target spending habits. I had to go there tonight to pick up a few household items. I ended up leaving the store with, among other things, a new bathroom scale that also measures body fat. I've never owned a bathroom scale before, let alone one that measures body fat.

I won't reveal my weight (a lady never tells!), but I'm very pleased to report that I have 7.1% body fat.

Apparently, that's excellent according to the Homedics user guide.

Labels: body fat, personal, self-awareness, Target, yoga